Learning to Live Again

Have you every had those moments when you are just hit by an epiphany?  It smacks you straight on the forehead, right dead center between the eyes and shakes you to the core? Well I had one those moments yesterday afternoon. But to explain this moment I must go back to over a year ago and reveal some not so high moments in my life..so bear with me.
I had graduated college May of 2015 and I was coming off from a high moment in my life. I was officially done with college and the whole world was lying ahead of me at my disposal, or so I thought. I had a fall internship set up in Georgia. I was going to work with a well-known trick trainer who just so happened to train horses for the film industry. I was so excited! I could just envision my future: working my internship, accelerating my trick training and riding skills, getting offered a job, and you know the list goes on. I tend to dream in dramatic 3D living color and at the pace of racehorse. :)
Anyway, my whole future felt staked on this internship. I returned from college graduation in Oregon to my home of Indiana, hoping to land a summer job. That ended up being a little more difficult than anticipated but it worked out. Then September came and with a slightly nervous but eager heart, I headed off to Georgia. Now I could sit down and probably write a small book about my adventure down there but for now all you need to know is, I had probably the shortest internship in history. Less than 24 hours I was headed back home to Indiana after spending a deflating night in a shoddy motel just wanting to rewind the clock back four months. Too make a long story short, the internship was not what I was told it would be, neither were the conditions, or the people. And to top it all off something in the pit of my heart told me that something wasn't right. So I left. For months I have contemplated what it would have been like if I had stayed and it definitely was a disappointing experience for me. It was a devastating blow to my dreams, but in the end I did and still do feel a sense of relief that I didn't stay.
Now after I got home things started to unravel a little.  I was a college graduate trying to find a job, not really wanting to stay in Indiana, and wanting to be a grown-up in the real world. However, the jobs that I hoped would get me closer to my dream of training horses for film were not exactly readily available (go figure!) and as the struggle to just get a normal horse job went on, I began to deal with anxiety issues. Now this is a part of my life I am not proud of and I have a hard time talking about. I mean as a Christian we are supposed to have peace and there is supposed to be no room for fear right? But day after day I would slip into a daily routine of anxiety attacks that soon became a part of every day my life. I questioned what it was I was supposed to even be doing. My life was not going according to plan at all. I didn't have a job. I was a college graduate that was struggling, trying to live back at home when I had been gone the most of the past two years. I felt like a failure and worried about what others thought about me. I was the one who said I was going to make my dreams happen but what now?
This vicious cycle continued as I worked a few small jobs and then I finally landed a solid job as a barn manager at a small, well-to-do, private barn this past February. I got to move into my own little house and now have my own little fur family that you met. Now did all my anxiety stop? Of course not. It eased now that I had a job and a more secure position but the anxiety of not being exactly where I wanted to be still haunted me and to be honest it still does. I still deal with anxiety from time to time and so I want to let those of you reading who struggle as well to know: you're not alone! I get it and I'm praying for you and I ask you to pray for me as well. We can beat this with His help.
And I think a crucial way to do this it to learn to live again. Now of course you're probably asking what that means exactly? Am I not living right now? Yes, but view it from this perspective: I used to enjoy some of the littlest things in life. The way the water ripples in a creek, a single bird chirping in the early morning, the morning fog, the sun peaking through the trees, the gentle evening breeze, the wind blowing through the grass, the smells of the different seasons and just the smell of life. But lately, I've felt like something has been switched off inside of me. I feel like those senses have died. After my heartache and disappointment, worry and anxiety, comparison and self-pity, I felt like my life was destined for uselessness. I struggled between hoping for my dreams still or just giving up.
Then suddenly at work yesterday as I was going to go get horses from the pasture on a gorgeous sunny October afternoon, I felt that switch turn back on. A friend of mine who had been working with me and living with me for four months had just left for a new job in California, so I was pondering about living alone again. I also was contemplating my own future yet again. Then it hit me all of the sudden. Like a light switch bringing light to a darkened room; I suddenly felt the sweet fall breeze blowing, the sun caressing my skin, the grass shaking in the wind, and the smell of life all around me. It struck me so quickly and I swear it brought a wave of emotion into my soul and moisture to my eyes. Here I was so wrapped up in my vision of my future, my dreams of the "good" life, and my disappointment because I wasn't where I wanted to be or where I thought I should be, I had cut myself off from simply enjoying the life God had given me here and now. I had spend this last year, closing myself off from new relationships, social activities with fellow believers, and becoming too settled, because in doing so I felt like I was giving up on goals and dreams. I was letting this dream become my god. I was feeding it, nurturing it , protecting it, worshipping it....and at the same time closing my heart off to anything else. I had tunnel vision. All I could see was what I wanted and kept fighting to get there; never stopping but briefly to try and fully commit to understanding what God wanted for me. But I would always run back to my golden dream, no matter how tired I was of fighting for it's completion. And because of it I was so weary and I was dying inside. Dying to the beauty around me and to the wonderful life my God has given me. I've allowed people to be my critics and not Him. I have made this dream of mine my temple and not His. Yesterday, I finally felt alive again because for once I let that dream fade away for a few seconds and realized I'm living a dream right now.
God has given me a amazing family, a wonderful job and bosses, an adorable little house, and four wonderful fur children. ;) I am getting to do fun and amazing things with my little ones and getting the opportunity to grow myself. I need to learn to live in the present not the future. Because it is a good life He has given me right now. Does this mean I forget about my dreams all together? I have struggled with this thought often. But I think I am finally realizing that it's not about forgetting about it or giving up trying. It's about growing and blooming right where you are and understanding that your dream doesn't have to come to you overnight and it most likely won't. God's plan is so much greater and He isn't withholding your hopes from you because He wants to be mean. He wants to show you how to be happy with whatever your circumstances are wherever you are. And maybe that dream that you are clinging so tightly too isn't worth what it's robbing you of right now. Don't hinge your whole life success on them. Have your dreams, but don't let them replace God and what He so desperately wants to show you. Understand that He has greater plans than you can even imagine and start living life again! It's a process and a struggle sometimes but when you let go, truly, there is nothing else that makes your heart flutter more. It's open road before you and God's driving. You just need to enjoy the view. So will you join me on the journey to being a content passenger?