Have you ever been bitten by the green eyed monster? I know I have! Jealousy is defined as "anxiously suspicious", "apprehensive or vengeful out of fear of being replaced", or "expecting complete devotion". It, in my experience, usually starts off as a little prick that catches you from time to time. You may not give it much thought or rationalize it away. However it starts to slowly come upon you more often until it starts to color your thoughts every time the situation or particular party comes across your path. And before you know it, it turns into slowly drawing away from the given situation or people. If left untreated, it can eventually even turn into the point where resentment takes root in your heart, arguments break out, relationships crumple and everything and everyone involved suffers because of it.
Enter example:
The other day I was spending time with my two boys: Sam and Merrylegs. For those of you who do not know that is my horse and miniature horse. :) And what was a regular grooming session turned very quickly into a learning moment. I began to notice every time I would pay attention to Merrylegs, Sam would gently try to insert himself between us or hover near me for attention. But when Merrylegs would let his presence be known,(he has a stronger personality;) Sam turned away to point where he was moping off to the side. Now on the flip side of things: when I paid attention to Sam, Merrylegs would become very cranky and get snippy with Sam. This would either turn into a flat out attack on Sam or he would bitterly stand off to the side refusing to have attention at all until I buttered him back up again.
What a perfect example of two common reactions. We may be a Sam where we become increasingly jealous over something or someone and we will try and gently insert ourselves, trying to make out presence known, silently saying we want attention. But if we get butted out by someone else, either intentionally or unintentionally, we eventually grow disheartened, feel sorry for ourselves and "mope" around thinking that we are somehow no longer deserving of love or attention. Or we may be a Merrylegs. We let jealousy take over to the point where we lash out at that person that we either are jealous of or even the person or thing we are jealous over. Then we become bitter, hold a grudge and refuse to accept any reconciliation until our "terms" are met.
I tend to respond in the first reaction of jealousy. I cut myself off from whatever or whomever it is because I begin to believe that I am not worth the attention or time and that is why I feel as if I am being "forgotten" or "neglected". And sometimes in my selfish heart I will hope that the person will see my self-inflicted pain and feel sorry and apologize. Yeah, such an attractive trait right? It makes me feel horrible just talking about it, but let's face it, it is what we do sometimes.
Now why would we feel this way? What can cause this jealousy? Well the one of the definitions says fear, another expectation, also I believe insecurity, and selfishness are causes as well. In my case, I usually get jealous because I feel as if I'm being replaced by someone else or that I am just not good enough because I am not like this particular other person. This turns into an insecurity of myself and who I am which is not what God created me to be. I forget that God created me the way I am for a reason and that not everyone has to love me for it. Often I find that my feelings of jealousy are not even valid as that person was not trying to replace me at all. Other times we selfishly want attention all to ourselves and if someone else gets it we aren't happy about it. We expect to have complete devotion to us when that person may have not committed anything to us. Now obviously in marriage things are different but we are not going to bring that into the equation. I use the main example as friendships. Friendships are not exclusive. People can have multiple friends and it doesn't mean that they are constantly looking to replace you or make you feel inferior to their other friends. Now I do understand and have experienced being replaced in my life and I know it does happen so I don't mean to brush off those situations. It sometimes feels like it gives you the right to be jealous but ultimately it is selfish and not of God. We must realize that if we have been a truly good friend and someone walks away that our fulfillment doesn't come from them. We need to give it to God, forgive and move on. Maybe that person will return or maybe they won't, either way it's okay because if someone truly cares about you they will stick with you no matter what. They may mess up from time to time but we all do and grace is for everyone.
In both situations it is important to know how to respond before things go bad. And as I am learning those are:
- To fight jealousy effectively you must first recognize it, even if it stings. Even when the feeling first starts to arise you have to nip it in the bud then before it blooms and is harder to kill. (Lament. 3:40)
- Then you need to run to God, confess it, and ask Him to take this seed of jealousy out of your heart. (1 John 1:9)
- Get into the Word read about jealousy and the repercussions it can have on your life. (James 3:14-16, 1 Corinth. 3:3)
- Go and reconcile yourself to the person or people that you may have hurt. (Matt. 5:23-24)
- And ask God to help you in the future to repress future temptation of jealous thoughts in the future because only with Him can it be defeated. (1Corinth. 10:13)
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