A Beautiful Mess

Hi everyone,
So I am going to say something you may not like but please stick with me and hear me out because this is something that slowly has been changing my life, so here it goes
You are a mess. You are imperfect. You are flawed. You are out of place. How many times have I  thought theses things about myself  but I would have never have thought to say them to anyone else. It sounds so cruel right?
I have always been one to tear myself down, more often than anyone else would. I always been quick to agonize over my imperfections and flaws. And as a woman going through her early twenties and now reaching her mid twenties it became all to easy to pick at these "flaws". Not blessed with what I would call beauty queen looks, plain blemished complexion, looks much younger than I am, more quiet reserved nature, too emotional, not an eloquent speaker, converses much more easily with those older than me than my own peers, not graceful, not the kind of girl who attracts many men, and not funny, charming enough. And the list could continue. I began to use these things as a list of what was wrong with me. They were why I wasn't the life of the party, why I wasn't extremely popular, why nobody wanted to date me, and why I felt so out of place. I was a mess! And who wants to be around a mess right?
How many times have I been at work and been standing literally close to my knees in horse manure, became a living scarecrow from stacking hay in 90 degree weather, had horse snot on my clothes, dirt under my nails, hair looking like it went through a tornado, five different tan lines and lets not even talk about the albino things you call legs (horse girls with understand this:), the smelly clothes, and the dust tanned skin. How many times have I been a hot mess only it literally just meant being extremely warm and looking like a disaster?
And what about when I am running around grocery shopping and running errands in barn clothes and I'm sure smelling like it too. I mean I'm pretty sure one day the ladies at Sally's Beauty thought I needed a little more help than hair coloring! :D All the while getting to go home so I can clean a house, cook dinner and probably wear some of it too, pick up spilled dog food, tend to 3 needy fur "children" and get into the ten different projects my overly ambitious self starts all at once.
Do you ever just step back and think wow what a mess I am? I mean if I was perfect then I could juggle everything just so and still look great while I am at. I could be one of those amazing woman bloggers who have oodles of stunning projects to show all why looking fabulous and having it all together.
Well you are right about one thing. Yes, you are a mess. But you are a beautiful mess. You see God knows we are not perfect. Only He is perfect. He knows you are flawed. He created you but those "flaws" He calls beautiful. He knows knows you are out of place. He didn't make this earth your real home. When God created you he knew that you were going to be imperfect. He knew that you weren't going to measure up to this world's standards, that you weren't going to be "super" human, girlfriend, wife, mother, that you weren't going to have it all together. He knew that there would be days when you would be an absolute mess of emotions and presentation. But nevertheless when He created you, He smiled and couldn't wait to show you off to the world. What we see as imperfection He sees as beautiful. He created us individually with our exact shape, physical make-up and our own unique personalities for a reason. He gave us our "flaws" and weaknesses because He wants us all to compliment one another and build each other up. He wants us to use our weaknesses to show His saving grace in a dying world. He lets us be a mess so that we can take that mess, lift it up to Him and place it into His outstretched hands. If we were perfect, had it all together and were just these amazing people that everyone awed over and understood then there would no need for Him. It is only until we embrace the fact that yes we may be a mess sometimes but when we give our all for Him, He uses that to mold us into the most beautiful creation ever. A glorious whirlwind of a mess that has the potential to be extraordinary.
But first we have to:

1. Acknowledge that we will never be perfect. We are human and we are never going to have it all together. We may never be flawless according to the world's standards. And we live in an imperfect world. Not one is perfect. (Eccl. 7:20)  
2.  This world is not our home. We are not called to fit in. We are to be different even if that means being deemed awkward, non-popular, and strange. (John 15:9, Phil. 3:20-21)
3. That we are loved no matter what by an amazing God who will never see us as not worth His love or time. (Romans 5:8, Romans 8:35-39)
4. We have to immerse ourselves in His truth. If we don't spend time with Him then we are never going to find harmony to all that we are doing in our lives. We will never learn how to make priorities out of the chaos and spend the time on what truly matters and what furthers His Kingdom. And we will never learn about who we really are. Because if we'd only read about what we are as individuals to God in His Word and truly believe it then our lives would be so radically different and we would never worry our heads again over our imperfections. (1 John 3:1)
5. And with this realization we need to act upon it. (Phil. 3:12-14)  Now I am not saying you go around acting like you are all that just because God loves you. I mean you are still a sinner saved by His grace alone so being humble is key. Also that doesn't mean that you don't ever strive to take  better care of yourself, dress up a little when you can, and try to improve areas in your personality that you struggle with. It just mean that you live your life like the precious child of God that you are giving your very best irregardless if you have a million things to get done that day, the food gets a little burnt, the laundry doesn't get done again, you didn't say the perfect words at the exact right moment, the cashier at the store gives you an odd look or if you find yourself standing in _________ (insert word that best describes your messy situation) while the object of your affections walks up. 

One thing I will always remember is one day some time ago when I was having one of those messy days with mud and who knows what else on my boots, hay everywhere as if it was new clothing accessory, hair askew and a make-upless face.  I pretty much smelled and looked like Pigpen from Charlie Brown and someone looked at me and said I was beautiful. And that stuck with me. Now why would they say that because I know for a fact I wasn't looking my best that day? What I think made the difference...I had a smile on face. I was happy. And joy is beautiful. Joy and peace with who you are is one of the most attractive things about someone. A healthy desire to grow and improve is necessary but being happy with the way God made you and who He made you to be is key.
God has been showing me how to have joy even when I am struggling and am not particularly feeling happy about my status in life and on those days when I feel like a walking disaster. It is still a battle and ultimately it is a choice of what thinking I choose to have. But what I have learned He does not make ugly things and He doesn't make mistakes . We may be imperfect, flawed, damaged, broken, out of place, and messy. But when He sees us at our very best and our very worst, He always sees for what we are. A perfectly imperfect, glorious, beautiful mess that is to die for. :)

Facing Your Fears

What are you afraid of? And I don't mean things like spiders, wiggly things, and clowns.
What are you afraid of doing, or afraid of trying?
This past week I did some things that I will admit were a little intimidating for me. Opening up to someone about some of my beliefs in a controversial topic, learning a new task at the barn with my bosses' (no pressure :) tractor, and agreeing to join my church choir. Now to some people this may be no big deal but to me it is. Often my fears stem from worrying that I won't be able to accomplish a task well enough, or at all, or that once someone sees me mess up that they'll regret thinking I could accomplish the task. I am afraid of being misunderstood. I am afraid of opening my heart for everyone to see the jumbled emotional roller coaster mess it can be.
And ever time I face these fears, I have a choice to make. Will I turn tail and run, make excuses of why I can't do it and keep putting it off, or will I face it head on and go for it, whether that means charging full steam ahead or just simply trudging through. I really like picture analogies so in this situation I think of my experience as a rider on my horse coming to a scary obstacle or dealing with a particular problem.
 Often there are three common responses:
 1.  As soon as the object becomes visible, flight mode kicks in and he turns tail and decides he is going to put plenty of distance between him and whatever the obstacle is.
2. He stands about frozen in fear and either refuses to move or does this dance back and forth without actually making in progress towards said "scary" thing.
3. He slowly but surely chalks up the courage to either rush through the obstacle as quickly as possible or simply buckles down and gets it done.

We have the sames choices when we face something that we are intimidated by. Which one do we often choose? When my horse Sam is afraid of something, he likes to turn away if he can and it turns into this elaborate dance of back and forth, a step here and there but I always have to keep asking, keep prodding. Sometimes letting him check the obstacle out for himself works and he musters up the courage to advance. But sometimes it takes me pushing him through it the whole way assuring him that he won't die, until he realizes it isn't near as bad as it seems.
How often to we dance around something we are afraid of? We avoid it as much as possible, we figure that God will just eventually give up and not push us any more. He will just let us walk away. Sometimes we let the horse walk away. We say it's just not worth the fight or maybe we are even afraid and insecure about our ability to get our horse through it. But what happens? The horse stops learning, he stops growing. He can't face his fears so he can't advance to the next stage. You can 't travel up the mountain trail if you can't cross the creek. And whatever adventures that lie ahead will never be seen or experienced.
It's the same for us. If we never face our fears head on and work through them we will never advance in that area of our life. We will never taste the sweet victory or experience what awesome things may lie ahead if refuse to do so. I think God lets have the option to walk away but he uses it to prove a point and how many times do people do it and miss out on so much? They may have been hurt before in a situation, don't think they're good enough, worried of what other people think, or that they will fail. I have learned though that failure is not when you fall down...true failure is when you stay down and refuse to get back up. God uses our fears for His glory because ultimately it takes His strength to get us through it. He is there alongside us, telling us we are worth the effort, we can do it, and we can be victorious. His opinion is the only one that should matter. He has so much in store for us if we would just let go of the things that hold us back.
We have to turn to Him and ask for His help in overcoming our fear or maybe even our pride because we want to be perfect. (Because you know as mortal humans we are so capable of being absolutely perfect ;D) We have to be open and honest with ourselves of this fear or pride and be honest with God and admit it. We need to realize as children of God we can be stronger than our fears. We can with His power overcome. A favorite verse of mine that especially helped when I was dealing with anxiety attacks was 2 Timothy 1:7 "For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control." (ESV) Sometimes I just had to repeat that verse over and over until it permeated my soul and I truly started believing it and acting upon it.
We need to get others involved and help fight our fears with us. You may be surprised how many people have faced or may be currently facing the same things or can at least relate in their own fears and insecurities. They can offer advice and be there as support. It's just like getting some insight from a horsey friend or a trainer for your horse's challenges. Sometimes you need that added encouragement and perspective.
And then work towards overcoming your fear. For some of this that may mean just biting the bullet, doing it and coming out alright on the other side. Or it may mean simply taking one step at a time until you are certain you won't die and wonder why you ever were worried in the first place. Or it may even take a few or many tries until you come out triumphant on the other side. We don't have to be perfect, we need to be real. And the only way we can get better at something is to learn from our mistakes. Remember failure is letting the fear win. So whether it's summing up the courage to speak in front of a group of people, join a ministry group in your church, meet new people who don't exactly fit your peer group, learning some new skill, start your own business (hmm that sounds familiar) or simply standing up for what you believe even if you might be persecuted for it. Don't give in, don't turn tail and run, don't make excuses. We have only got this one life here on earth. We can't go back and redo a single day. Yesterday is gone forever and today is all we truly have. What amazing things could be lying just beyond the shadows of your fear? What beautiful trail lies beyond the scary rocks? What doors could open up? What stories could you tell? God will be there every step of the way, helping you push through. Or sometimes giving you the little love tap (or shove :) that shows you that you will survive. With Him there is not room for fear because He is fearless and we are HIS. ( Isaiah 41:10, Joshua 1:9, Romans 8:15) And what I have also found is once I face and conquer a fear I am more likely to face another and another. My confidence in Christ builds and I am much more at peace with who God created me to be and where my life is headed. And trust me my friends we are going places!
So let's take a deep breath, look it in the eye, and take the first step. 

The Green Eyed Monster

Hi everyone,
Have you ever been bitten by the green eyed monster? I know I have! Jealousy is defined as "anxiously suspicious", "apprehensive or vengeful out of fear of being replaced", or "expecting complete devotion". It, in my experience, usually starts off as a little prick that catches you from time to time. You may not give it much thought or rationalize it away. However it starts to slowly come upon you more often until it starts to color your thoughts every time the situation or particular party comes across your path. And before you know it, it turns into slowly drawing away from the given situation or people. If left untreated, it can eventually even turn into the point where resentment takes root in your heart, arguments break out, relationships crumple and everything and everyone involved suffers because of it.
Enter example:
The other day I was spending time with my two boys: Sam and Merrylegs. For those of you who do not know that is my horse and miniature horse. :) And what was a regular grooming session turned very quickly into a learning moment. I began to notice every time I would pay attention to Merrylegs, Sam would gently try to insert himself  between us or hover near me for attention. But when Merrylegs would let his presence be known,(he has a stronger personality;) Sam turned away to point where he was moping off to the side. Now on the flip side of things: when I paid attention to Sam, Merrylegs would become very cranky and get snippy with Sam. This would either turn into a flat out attack on Sam or he would bitterly stand off to the side refusing to have attention at all until I buttered him back up again.
What a perfect example of two common reactions. We may be a Sam where we become increasingly jealous over something or someone and we will try and gently insert ourselves, trying to make out presence known, silently saying we want attention. But if we get butted out by someone else, either intentionally or unintentionally, we eventually grow disheartened, feel sorry for ourselves and "mope" around thinking that we are somehow no longer deserving of love or attention. Or we may be a Merrylegs. We let jealousy take over to the point where we lash out at that person that we either are jealous of or even the person or thing we are jealous over. Then we become bitter, hold a grudge and refuse to accept any reconciliation until our "terms" are met.
I tend to respond in the first reaction of jealousy. I cut myself off from whatever or whomever it is because I begin to believe that I am not worth the attention or time and that is why I feel as if I am being "forgotten" or "neglected". And sometimes in my selfish heart I will hope that the person will see my self-inflicted pain and feel sorry and apologize. Yeah, such an attractive trait right? It makes me feel horrible just talking about it, but let's face it, it is what we do sometimes.
Now why would we feel this way? What can cause this jealousy? Well the one of the definitions says fear, another expectation, also I believe insecurity, and selfishness are causes as well. In my case, I usually get jealous because I feel as if I'm being replaced by someone else or that I am just not good enough because I am not like this particular other person. This turns into an insecurity of myself and who I am which is not what God created me to be. I forget that God created me the way I am for a reason and that not everyone has to love me for it. Often I find that my feelings of jealousy are not even valid as that person was not trying to replace me at all. Other times we selfishly want attention all to ourselves and if someone else gets it we aren't happy about it. We expect to have complete devotion to us when that person may have not committed anything to us. Now obviously in marriage things are different but we are not going to bring that into the equation. I use the main example as friendships. Friendships are not exclusive. People can have multiple friends and it doesn't mean that they are constantly looking to replace you or make you feel inferior to their other friends. Now I do understand and have experienced being replaced in my life and I know it does happen so I don't  mean to brush off those situations. It sometimes feels like it gives you the right to be jealous but ultimately it is selfish and not of God. We must realize that if we have been a truly good friend and someone walks away that our fulfillment doesn't come from them. We need to give it to God, forgive and move on. Maybe that person will return or maybe they won't, either way it's okay because if someone truly cares about you they will stick with you no matter what. They may mess up from time to time but we all do and grace is for everyone.
In both situations it is important to know how to respond before things go bad. And as I am learning those are:

• To fight jealousy effectively you must first recognize it, even if it stings. Even when the feeling first starts to arise you have to nip it in the bud then before it blooms and is harder to kill. (Lament. 3:40)

• Then you need to run to God, confess it, and ask Him to take this seed of jealousy out of your heart. (1 John 1:9) 

• Get into the Word read about jealousy and the repercussions it can have on your life. (James 3:14-16, 1 Corinth. 3:3)

• Go and reconcile yourself to the person or people that you may have hurt. (Matt. 5:23-24)

• And ask God to help you in the future to repress future temptation of jealous thoughts in the future because only with Him can it be defeated. (1Corinth. 10:13)

For me as well, I have to start reminding myself daily of who I am in Christ through His Word and quotes from trusted Christian authors. Read passages about who you are to God and His love for you. He is completely devoted to you! He will never leave you no matter how imperfect or undeserving you may think you are. He has made us all special each in our own way with our own gifts and talents. Some people will love us as well for those things and others will not. That is not an excuse for us to selfish and want everything or everyone to ourselves. This is not the heart of Christ. Human love and admiration is flawed but God's love is never flawed because He is perfect and loves us all equally. So let's kick the green eyed monster out of our lives together and love others with the reminder that we will never be alone.

Be Thou My Vision

Hi everyone,
So it has been about forever since I posted last. I wish I could say it was for some totally awesome reason like, I've been in some foreign country for the past 5 months without modern conveniences on a mission trip or backpacking across the US street evangelizing. But let's be honest...the real reason...are you ready for it...? Lack of Vision .Yep, that's it...very adventurous and romantic right? I don't consider myself to be a very creative, genius of a person therefore my wells seem to dry up very quickly. And I've been a dry spell for about 6 months now. About this time I thought I would be clogging this blog full of my new pony party business adventures. But I hit kinda what I would call a rough patch with my job (of course I put it more dramatically than others would; a learning curve sounds better) but I felt like I really needed to get some things figured out and focused on it before I sucked up even more time in my own separate venture. And plus being a procrastinator has been my nemesis sometimes on things, as well as fear of failure hence my crawling back to this blog that I have neglected and to say that my business plans have been put off for another year. I do however, think it was for the best and I am in a much better position now to prepare for next spring, and besides, I have gained some pretty cool resources in the time being that I think are really going to help me do it, and do it right. I guess that is the simple terms explaining the reason why I stopped posting. I felt like the driving force behind writing was the business and everything about it. I mean who really cares about my thoughts on the world or life? Who cares about my struggles and triumphs in my own life? I am just a women with a narrow vision that got blinded when I felt like I had nothing in my life worth talking about. I mean I had nothing exciting or fresh to talk about so what was the point? Soon it became easier and easier to just put off writing anything until I didn't really think about it anymore....until recently.
These past couple of months I feel God has been growing me. I say He does the growing because I gotta be honest, I haven't always been willing but He seems to do it one way or another. ;) Not to mention I have been convicted over a few things as well...pride, laziness, selfishness, hard heartedness...ouch! It stings even as a write and expose it to everyone. Anyway He has been calling me out on some of this stuff and how I need to change things. He has been calling me out on things I need to start doing or get back to doing. And just to touch on one: that is writing this blog again. I hope to write about these other less than attractive traits as well and my observations in my own life in the following weeks because it sounds like so much fun right!? No, because I feel like this is what God is considering the growing process even if it's not so comfortable for me or completely boring to you...sorry.

But what I do want to touch briefly on in this post?...sorry that was a huge introductory but I have a had a huge self-proclaimed fast from this blog. Now for the actually meal here.
I mentioned above the reason for my lack of or I should say one of them was lack of vision. When my business didn't take off I felt like I had nothing to write about. Well, that was because my vision was tiny. I had this initial plan for my blog and what it would entail but that was my vision not God's and I'm figuring out His is so much bigger. I felt like most everything about my blog had to be linked to horses, my dream, and goals but that is not necessarily true now I see. I was stuck on a few topics when God was saying I've got a lot more in store for you to talk about if you would take off the blinders.
Why did I have them on in the first place? I think partially the reason was and still can be, is because sometimes I feel that unless I have something exciting and cool going on in my life then I have nothing worth talking about. To me my life is pretty boring and uneventful...I get up, go to work, go home, do what I got on the agenda to get done at home, got to bed, and repeat. I do good to maybe go out a couple of times a week, maybe. Oh and that includes,  grocery shopping, appointments, etc. :) My life seems so emmbarrasingly dull compare to others I know who are off seeing the world, getting married to a great guy, raising a family, meeting popular people, or posting about their thriving business ventures, mission trips, and spiritual lives. And I'm here cleaning horse stalls, trying to chase after fresh horses, and saving grasshoppers from water troughs. (Those of you who follow me on Snapchat know all about my Snow White adventures ;) How thrilling.
But what I am actually starting to learn in all of this, is that life doesn't have to be the world's definition of "exciting" in order to be full of joy, vision, and impact. It doesn't have to be jammed packed with all these grand adventures that you have to chase. It sometimes is about making adventures out of what comes in your day-to-day path. Now of course I am NOT saying that all the things listed above are not great and awesome things because they are, but for too long I have placed my value as a Christian on those very things. I have lacked vision that my life could be so much more with what I have right now however little it may seem. Sometimes your life may not consist of going to the heart of Africa and building orphanages for children but nurturing the youth in your own community. It may not be serving in Afghanistan, but standing up for the truth in your own country and state and making your voice know. It may not be street evangelizing in Las Vegas, but speaking the truth in love(Eph. 4:15) in your workplace or home. It may not be be starting churches in multiple countries, but starting a group or conversation in your own church. It may not be working two businesses and being a part of ten different organizations, but simply giving your all at the job you currently have. It may not be out worshiping with hundreds of other believers at every concert but sitting with that one person who needs someone to just listen to their pain and to really truly "see" them. It might just mean getting up early on a Sunday morning and spending it alone in a barn, cleaning stalls and having your own church service because someone needed to be with their mother in the hospital as God taught me this morning. God is teaching me that nothing we do is insignificant. It can just either be for His glory or ours. Once again, none of those larger scale things are wrong or should be put down. However it is easy for people like me to feel as if we are not making any difference. But we are. Everything we do has an impact. And our attitude when we do those things has sometimes an even greater impact. Because as believers our attitude needs to reflect Christ in whatever we do. Some people can do the greatest things but have a sour heart. This is something that I have to work on every day because I can fail so easily. And we just need to open our eyes to the bigger vision. We need to view our lives through our Father's eyes. We need to have our Daddy's eyes. And we need to pray for vision. To make what we have going on right now be the best it can be, because we never know what He will ask us to do next. And we are all equally significant and important in His eyes and He has given us a voice.
Let's use it and see what happens.

"Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise
Thou mine Inheritance, both now and always
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art!"

-Be Though My Vision (1912)